Stoned

By Caleb Morrow

“Dude! What is that on your head?” Robbie said as he passed the bong to Alex, staring at him wide eyed. “Cameron, do you see that? Is it me? Am I just too wasted?”

“Naw man I see it too!” Cameron stepped closer to Alex, staring in amazement. “Bro! What the fuck is that?”

Alex put his hand on top of his head, feeling around for anything strange. “What are you idiots talking about? There’s nothing on my head!”

“No dude, your forehead!! You have a fucking eye in the middle of your forehead!”

“Yeah bro, no joke, you have a big blue eye in the center of your forehead!” Cameron moved closer, reached out to Alex’s forehead and poked the eye gingerly.

“Ouch asshole!” Alex batted Cameron’s arm away. “What do you think you’re doing? That hurt! You don’t see me going around poking you in the eye, do you?” Alex blinked his third eye rapidly as it began to water.

“Are you not hearing what I’m saying right now?” Robbie asked in amazement. “Doesn’t that freak you out? You have three eyes man!”

“Will you guys stop the nonsense? I don’t have three eyes! You are either too stoned or too stupid, probably both!” Alex said, sounding annoyed.

Robbie held up his phone, took a picture of Alex, and then handed it to him. “Look man! Look at the picture!”

Alex stared at the picture in disbelief. “What the hell? My shirt is on backward! It was like that all day and you guys didn’t tell me? No wonder Jenn and Katie were laughing at me when they were here!”

“Forget about your shirt; look at your forehead! You have a giant eye!” Robbie said, exasperated.

Cameron exhaled a big cloud of smoke and set the bong down on the used cable spool, now turned coffee table, laughing. “He has an extra eye, and he’s worried about his shirt! Hilarious!”

Alex looked closer at the picture. “I don’t see anything on my head. Everything looks normal to me.” Alex said as he set the phone down and picked up the bong, packing the bowl with some fresh flower.

“Guy’s this is serious! Alex, we need to get you to a doctor right now!” Robbie said, beginning to panic.

“A doctor? Dude, there’s nothing wrong with me! Stop freaking out, even if there was, I don’t have money for a doctor!”

“Hey, my uncle is a veterinarian…” Cameron said, taking the bong from Alex.

“My uncle is a veterinarian.” Robbie said, mimicking Cameron in a goofy voice. “Does he look like a cat to you?”

“Well look man, he has a tail!” Cameron pointed at Alex. A long tail with short black fur and what looked like small spikes extended from behind him, trailing on the floor beside his chair.

“What the hell? Alex, what is that?” Robbie gasped, now in a full panic. “Cameron, call your uncle. We need to do something!”

“He never answers his phone; I’ll text him!” Cameron looked over at Alex again, texting anxiously.

“We gotta get you out of here Alex! This is serious!” Robbie began searching frantically for his keys. “Alex, c’mon man get up; we need to go!”

“I ain’t going to no veterinarian! Would you both just chill out? There isn’t anything wrong with me!” Alex said, becoming increasingly annoyed. He got up and walked into the kitchen, his tail curled behind him, flicking back and forth. 

Cameron and Robbie watched with a mix of fear and amazement, seeing what looked like a large stinger on the tip of his tail, much like a scorpion.

“Hey, are we out of beer?” Alex called from the kitchen. “We gotta go buy some beer!”

Cameron’s phone buzzed. “Hey, my uncle said we can come to his pet clinic, but he wants some of the weed we’re smoking!” Cameron said, chuckling. “Dude’s a total stoner bro!”

“Alright cool, let’s go. Alex, come on; we really need to go!” Robbie said, still searching for his keys. “Damn, where did I put them?” He patted his pockets and found them in his left front. “Ugh! Alright, let’s go guys!”

“Hey, I told you, I ain’t going to no Veterinarian!” Alex shouted, plopping down on the couch and picking up the bong.

“No Alex, not the Vet; we’re going for beer bro!” Robbie lied.

“Yeah! Beer run! Let’s go to the liquor store where that hot blonde girl works!” Cameron said, smiling wide.      

“Yes! The one with all the piercings and tattoos!” Alex high-fived Cameron, laughing.

“That’s the place guys, let’s go!” They started out of the apartment when Robbie stopped and went back inside. “Hold up.” Robbie picked up his black Raiders ball cap from the couch and handed it to Alex. “Put this on man, we don’t want to scare anyone with that eye of yours! Oh, and um, here.” Robbie opened the small closet in the hallway and pulled an old raincoat off the door hook. “Wear this!”

“A raincoat? Seriously Robbie? It’s not raining dude!” Alex said, becoming annoyed again.

“No, it’s to cover that um… tail.” Said Robbie, gesturing at Alex’s backside.

“Whatever, let’s just go. I’m getting thirsty!” Alex put the coat on as they all headed to Robbie’s van.

As they drove down the highway heading across town, Cameron lit a joint and sat back in the seat. “This is some freaky shit man! Dude’s got three eyes and a tail!” He laughed as he took another hit and passed the joint over to Robbie.

Cameron and Robbie passed the joint back and forth, Robbie looking stressed as Cameron continued laughing and joking. “Hey, bro, you all right back there?” Cameron said, lighting another joint and passing it back to Alex.”

“Yeah, I’m good.” Alex said as he reached forward to take the joint from Cameron. “Never felt better!” He sat back in the seat, looking out the window, mesmerized by his apparent new abilities. This is crazy, I can see everything so clearly! He thought. As he concentrated on the scenery outside, he discovered he was now able to zoom in close to far away objects at will. What the hell? This really is insane!

“Hey guys, you should see this!” Alex said, noticing a strange feeling in his throat. He cleared his throat and spoke again. “Guys..” His voice sounded low and gravelly.

“Everything good Alex?” Robbie asked, turning towards him.

“Bro, pass me that joint!” Cameron said to Robbie, reaching over. Robbie took another hit and passed it back.

Alex stared out the window, absently scratching his ribs and waist, noticing they were becoming increasingly itchy. As he continued scratching, he felt three large, hard lumps forming on each side of his body. He pulled up his shirt and saw that the lumps were becoming very pronounced with black spikey hairs poking through the skin. “What the hell is this now?” He said under his breath. As he looked closer, the lumps seemed to be pushing out, growing larger, stretching his skin taut.

Alex stared in awe as all of the lumps burst simultaneously, splattering viscous black blood onto the seat and the wall of the van. Thick black stalks pushed out of his body, covered with spiky black hairs. Alex sat back in the seat as the black stalk things continued to grow out of his sides, becoming multijointed legs with long black claws at the ends, like talons. Unable to process what he was seeing, Alex reached down to touch the legs and was shocked to see his arms were gone, replaced with similar appendages but with large black pincers.

“Hey, there’s the liquor store, pull in!” Cameron said, pointing across the road.

Robbie turned the wheel hard to the left, pressing down on the accelerator and squealing the tires. He crossed the oncoming lane, speeding into the parking lot, narrowly missing a car backing out of one of the parking spaces in front of the store. The driver slammed his brakes and flipped off the van as they sped past.

“Dude, what the hell? That’s not the way to pull into a liquor store!” Cameron said as they both began laughing hysterically.

Robbie opened the door, smoke billowing out of the van. “I’ll be right back!”

“Leave the keys; I want to blast some tunes. And hey, get some snacks!” Cameron said, still laughing. He turned up the stereo, blasting Iron Maiden and singing along, his fist pumping in the air. “Run to the hills! Run for your lives!” He sat back and put his feet up on the dash, lighting another joint and closing his eyes as he smoked.

Alex opened his mouth to say something, but a long black tongue came lolling out as a few of his teeth clattered onto the floor. More teeth fell from his mouth as he felt intense pressure in his gums. He sat up to look at himself in the rearview mirror and saw a long forked black tongue extending from a mouth full of sharp teeth. His eyes had changed too, once light blue, now a deep dark red. His large third eye blinking independently of the other two.

What the hell is happening to us? Alex thought to himself. To us? No! To me! To we!  He sat back in the seat chuckling but met a hard stop. He felt something large behind him, preventing him from leaning back. Some kind of mass that seemed to be growing larger, pushing him forward in his seat.  There was an intense burning sensation below his shoulders; his back felt like it was being torn open. And then, as the pain intensified, becoming completely unbearable, two large leathery black wings burst forth and unfurled, ripping through his shirt and the old raincoat pulling him out of his seat. He tried to right himself, but his legs were missing, instead replaced by long multi jointed limbs like the others. Alex thrashed around wildly in the back of the van, causing it to rock back and forth, waking Cameron who had fallen asleep in the front seat.

Startled, Cameron sat up and looked around wildly. “Woah! What’s happening? It’s an earthquake! Take cover!” He jumped out of the front seat and started scrambling into the back of the van only to see Alex completely transformed into something out of a nightmare. “WHAT THE??? What.., Alex? ALEX??”

As Alex continued thrashing about, he extended a long black arm toward Cameron, his razor sharp pincer catching him squarely in the neck. Cameron’s head came off cleanly, releasing with a soft sucking sound and falling to the floor as a torrent of blood erupted from his body, covering the inside of the van.

As Cameron’s head landed in front of Alex, he stopped thrashing and looked at Cameron’s body, now slumped over between the front seats, blood still flowing onto the floor. His mouth now watering, Alex grabbed Cameron and began slurping the blood trickling from his neck and then tearing his body to pieces, devouring him ravenously, his hunger insatiable.

Robbie walked out of the liquor store and back to the van. He could hear the muffled sound of Iron Maiden blasting away as he drew closer. Robbie opened the door and stepped up into the seat. “I got us some beer and Tequila! Hey Cameron, I—” He looked wide eyed around the inside of the van; blood and tissue covered every surface, the metallic smell of blood overpowering him. “What in the hell?” Robbie turned slowly and looked back at Alex, staring into his three blood red eyes. “Alex?” he said fearfully.

Alex reached out and grabbed Robbie, pulling him into the back of the van and pinning him to the floor. “I’m sorry, Robbie!” He said in a dark gravelly voice. “We really have a bad case of the munchies!”

“